Monday, October 31, 2016

Late Last Night

    My beloved bipolar and I stayed up really late last night, trying to watch Jacob's Ladder. Lulu, our 3 yr old daughter woke up crying at around 2 am, so we had to switch to something more kid-friendly.

    The rest of the night we spent cuddling our little girl.

    I'll have to keep an eye out for them today.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Diet Crashes

    For two or three months, my beloved bipolar husband was on the keto diet.
   His dedication was truly impressive. He didn't even have any sweets on his birthday.

    He discovered that he is pork intolerant, and that broke the keto diet for him.

    I should have done the shopping that month, but I sent him, and since he had just crashed out of keto, he bought oodles of the things he'd been denied; carbs. Malt-O-Meal, muffins, bread and more bread! Oodles. And no vegetables.
    Well, tummy aches obviously ensued so he's wanting to go back on his diet.

    I like the low-bread, high-fat diets. I feel best when on them. Noodles specifically make me feel bogged down and sluggish, however, I do loves me some fruits and vegetables. Fruits and vegetables tend to be higher in carbs as well.

    As an Aspie, I love routine and safe, stable predictability so to have two or three choices for meals would just make my day.
    Well, as long as it included my favourites:

  • Espresso with stevia and steamed milk or cream
  • mushrooms
  • bell peppers

Monday, October 24, 2016

Seems a bit Overwhelmed?

    I think my beloved bipolar husband needs a break.

    He's been a stay-at-home-mom for over a year now, and he does a fabulous job. He is so attentive and caring.
    The problem with being a stay-at-home-mom is that he don't get daily breaks. He works from before he wake up, listening in his sleep in case his shift starts early. That happens after his brain finally collapses from exhaustion.  It's hard to sleep deeply when you have babies to worry about at night.
    He gets no lunch break and he works tirelessly all day.

    We have a single set of grandparents we trust to babysit, and they are often busy. They watch the girls maybe once every two or three months.

    I think it might be time for a break again.


Friday, October 21, 2016


    I feel bad sometimes that Aspies have so much support, while bipolars are a bit lacking.

    I'm not saying that I wish Aspies had less support. I am grateful every time I explain that the noise makes me nauseous and someone either asks me if I'm "on the spectrum" or nod understandingly when I tell explain that I am on the spectrum.
    As a child I hid a lot stimming because when people asked why I flapped my hands, I honestly didn't know. I learned quickly that there is awkward stimming, and horrifying stimming. I stopped holding up my eyelids and scratching my forearms around people.
    But, luckily, help is relatively easy to find for me now. When I look around for help in school for my Aspie daughter, I have to look around, but it's there. When I look around for help for my bipolar daughter, most people and places seem to just wish I wouldn't. They seem displeased with the idea of being around bipolars until they meet my adorable, sweet little girl and my charismatic, professional husband. Then they don't believe that they both are bipolar.

    I guess it's because I love my family so much that it really annoys me that when I say I'm Aspie, people are alright giving me a bit of leeway, but that it's not something they'd do for my loved ones.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016


    I wish I could find a babysitter, because I miss my husband.

    Our littlest baby is 2 months old now and, as expected, we haven't had time to ourselves.

    I'd love to chat with him over coffee in the morning.
    I'd love to chat with him over dinner in the evening.
    I'd love to have friends over and drink wine and enjoy some blue cheese.
    I'd love to go out with him.
    I'd love to cuddle up and watch a movie with him. Go eat with him at a restaurant, go play laser tag together, just be alone with him for a few hours.

    I know most of these things will come back after our little one is about 6 months old, however, some of them won't.
    We don't drink when our babies are in the house, no, not even wine.

    My mother-in-law watched them one night, and it was magical. We cleaned, like we always do in the morning, and it stayed that way ALL DAY!
    It was like a mythical phenomenon.

    We were able to relax, thinking that our babies were in good hands. We had wine, and it was such a much, much, needed breath of fresh air.

    After we learned how many parenting differences we do have with her, though, that'll never happen again.

    I fear that we could never just get a babysitter.
    With our tiny bipolar girl and our aspie girl, we'd need a trained professional to watch our girls while we were out.
    That's not to say we couldn't train someone, we could, but it'd take a few sessions with us there, and a lot more money than I have right now.
    Some day.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Little Girl

I've been worried about my little girl joining the school system.

    Like her daddy, she displays obvious bipolar tendencies.

    I happen to know that that little girl is the sweetest.
    She's an animal-loving socialite with a huge vocabulary and a deep desire to help with the baby.

    All of my daughters are sweet, but she just might be the sweetest. My oldest gets crabby and intolerant of her pile of baby sisters. Icy has a strong passion for mischief and will taunt people, and the baby, well, she's a baby so she'll scream until you figure out the exact perfect temperature she wants her bottle.
    My Lulu, however, is always friendly. I don't think I've ever seen her tire of being around any of her family. She has a deep concern for all the insects, including spiders and we have to "rescue" them for her.
    She's just the sweetest.

    So, when she gets rambunctious and physically cannot stop, she needs someone who cares about her to gently help her take deep breaths and calm down.
    When she can't see the danger of climbing on things, or can't stop herself from repetitively kissing her sister, she needs someone to help her who'll be as sweet to her as she is to the rest of the world.

    However, seeing how the school never noticed that my oldest doesn't have any friends at school, and never told me after she'd been kicked in the face, I'm expecting that if I still can't afford private school for sweet little Lulu, her life in public school would be riddled calls home. I imagine many teachers labeling her as "disruptive" and having "a short attention span." And I can't.
    I can't let my sweetest little girl get labeled like that. She'll internalize it so fast since she's so sensitive to people. I can't let her become vilified for her adorable brain.

    Unlike Aspies, which are becoming socially acceptable, bipolars are still regarded as dangerous and somehow unworthy of the extra effort they'd spare for an Aspie.

    Having such a little girl with a disorder people don't even begin to diagnose until teen years is hard because people don't see it. They just see a hyper little toddler and I'm sure they'd react with punishment when she needs cuddles.

    I guess this is why I'm working so hard to gather money.
    I need my sweet girl to get into a tolerant school.

    That's not going to be public school so I guess I'm going to have to make enough money to send her to private school.

Friday, October 14, 2016

What Bipolar is Not, Plus Bugs!

  I apologize for the strange, unreadable highlighting on this post earlier.

  My beloved bipolar husband and I were in the kitchen talking yesterday about psychology, evolution and both of our mental disorders and we realized that most people have a distorted view of bipolar.

   It seems like people think bipolars are either depressed, violent or histrionic, (overly melodramatic).

    Yes, bipolars are occasionally depressed, perhaps more often than they're manic because it seems like doctors are far more concerned with controlling manias than helping bipolars out of depression. I suppose, unless it's gotten to the point of suicide.

    Are bipolars violent? Well, if a violent person has bipolar, then yes, but that's comparable to saying people are violent when they're drunk. If the drunk person is a violent person, yes they might be violent when they're drunk, but most people I've met are NOT violent. Therefore, most people I've met are not violent when they are drunk. Most bipolars I've met are not violent. Actually, considering I've only ever met one bipolar who was inclined toward violence,
I've met a lot more people WITHOUT bipolar that were violent. 

    Histronic. Your word of the day. My family is unfortunately absolutely riddled with histronic people. It's awful and extremely unpleasant.
    They are terribly unpleasant to be around. I don't share any information I don't need to because anything you tell them becomes drama fuel. If you don't tell them things, they make up their own ideas and use THAT for drama fuel.
    As an Aspie that likes the truth, growing up in a predominantly histronic family was terrible.
    I don't go to family events anymore and if I did get the chance to move out of state, I would without regret.
    My husband is not histronic. We both hate drama and prize simplicity and honesty when it comes to human interactions. It's one of the many reasons I love him so very much.
    One of my great aunts, who was also bipolar, was histronic, and yes, her bipolar manias really drew that out of her, however, that was a piece of her core personality, it was not caused by bipolar itself.

    I think the worst part about this strongly held misconception is that people in the medical field seem to think this way to.
    The MacArthur Violence Risk Assessment  a nicely thorough study of violence's relationship to mental disorder found "A diagnisis of a major mental disorder -- especially a diagnosis of schizophrenia -- was associated with a lower rate of violence than a diagnosis of a personality or adjustment disorder."

    Despite this, when my husband was diagnosed, they seemed very concerned that he was going to hurt someone while he was manic, despite the fact that he'd gone through 27 years of non-violence, wandering through life all undiagnosed and unmedicated.
    I'm not going to say he wouldn't hurt a fly, because the idea that flies get their poop hands all over his food drives him nuts, however, while we were at the children's museum the other day, we found a cricket.
    A poor little thing on the top floor where there is no plants, or anything aside from cars.
    Starvation, being squished, or freezing to death over the winter were the options for this little guy's fate had he stayed where we found him.

    My bipolar husband gingerly picked him up and we took him home so he can live out the rest of his life in our warm house, being spoiled with oatmeal and fruit pieces.

Our new pet for the next few months

Wednesday, October 12, 2016


   Well, I learned something new today!

    I learned that normal people stim!

    According to Wiki, stimming is "Self-stimulatory behavior, also known as stimming[1] and self-stimulation,[2] is the repetition of physical movements, sounds, or repetitive movement of objects common in individuals with developmental disabilities, but most prevalent in people with autistic spectrum disorders.[2][3]"

    I often stim by "flapping" my hand, or shaking any object I'm holding. It's quite comparable to twitching and is a great tell that I'm uncomfortable.
    When my beloved bipolar gets stressed, or when he's talking about something that makes him uncomfortable, he does a crab-like finger crawl thing without noticing.
    I brought it to his attention and he was saying that it used to be a lot worse, and he's gotten it down to just his pinkie finger.
   It looks like most of his fingers to me.

    I guess it's nice to know that other people do these things to.

   Yes, it is MUCH more obvious when I do them, but when he does his crab-finger crawl, I feel so much better knowing that someone I look up to so much relies on the same type of stress relief that I do.


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Saving my fish

    Sometimes, it's pretty easy to see the love in my life.

    My beloved bipolar and I managed to crawl into bed around midnight.
    It was a hard night getting all the girls to sleep.

    Yesterday, while feeding Jesse, our goldfish, my daughter mentions he has an owie on his tail, and then I realize that our fish has a bacterial infection in his tail, and the heater in his tank wasn't keeping him warm enough.
    I mentioned getting a new one, and my beloved bipolar said he doubted that we had the funds to get a new one.

    I've read too many stories about pets and babies who've fought for their lives and it seems that there is a common thread through both those that make it and those that don't.

    The ones that make it have families that tell them to fight, those who explain what in life is worth fighting for.
    Those that don't make it have families who "let them go," who tell them that they don't have to fight anymore, so I sat next to him and stroked the tank, showing him my finger tips. He's hand fed every morning so he associates fingertips with positive thing. I was trying to remind him how much he loves to eat, and trying to make him feel loved by reminding him that we feed him every morning.
    As he barely gulped each breath, he stared at my fingers, and he stared into my eyes, and it seemed like he stared sadly into my soul.

    One thing to mention is that we had run out of his dried krill treats, so he was feeling quite sad. He'd been asking for food all day, dancing at people and following fingers, and each time we gave him a sprinkle of pellets, he got more and more crestfallen. Bit by bit his will to live chipped away as he felt more and more rejected.
    It was horrible to run out of fishy treats in his time of need.

    Well, when we did manage to crawl in bed, I couldn't sleep.
    Usually, I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, so to have me next to him, staring in the darkness and unable to sleep really disturbed my beloved bipolar.

    So at 1 am, despite our very limited funds, I set off to Walmart for a midnight fish heater retrieval mission.  And more fishy treats


    Today, despite his very sore looking, very red tail, he's happy and swimming around like normal.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Disaster Averted!

    I'm so incredibly proud of how well my beloved bipolar husband takes care of his bipolar.

    With teeny tiny kiddos around, (namely, our 2 year old who wakes up demanding, unlike our 2 month old baby, who sleeps angelically through the night) it does make sense that their daddy isn't getting enough sleep lately.

    One morning, while we were having coffee together, he told me he was having a bad mania. He explained how his brain felt it had a rubber band around, and he warned that I might see the worst depression he'd had since before we met.
    So, I braced myself, preparing to run him a thousand bubble baths with salts and readied to dole out a ton of hugs.  I got some milk to steam for his coffee and I was set to spoil the crap out of him.

    The day came where he moped around, commenting on how his life is too wonderful to be feeling the way he was feeling, and then, the next day, it stopped. It Stopped!
    After possibly the biggest mania I've seen from him, he only had a day and half of depression!

    I don't know if it's all the brain training we've done to improve our base level of happiness, or the fact that our lives actually are filled to the brim with love, I've never worried about my beloved bipolar. I'm secure in knowing that in a depression he's never suicidal or self-harmy. He's not even usually sad in his depressions. It's usually just a lack of motivation, a desire to hide himself in video games, more like a physical depression where his body doesn't want to move, like after overexerting yourself.
    Is mania is like emotionally overexerting yourself? Seems logical to me.

   I've seen quite a few other bipolars and I've seen them randomly fight with people. I've seen some that would make me nervous, those who just might be dangerous. Those that might fall into a suicidal depression or hurt someone, or burn something, but out of all the bipolars I've met, including those that aren't diagnosed and therefore aren't on any prescriptions but display obvious bipolar traits, I haven't met very many that are dangerous.
    The few that I have seen that do worry me had reasons. Yes, they were inclined to hurt people, but they were inclined to hurt specific people who continually hurt them on a regular basis. It's like the inhibitor that keeps us from performing revenge in our modern society is dampened. It's not gone, even in the worst I've seen, it's just not nearly as strong as other people I've seen it in.
    It just makes me really value how important it is to be nice to everyone.  

    "Be excellent to each other"
               -Bill S. Preston, Esq

Friday, October 7, 2016


    Well, my beloved bipolar told me yesterday he was in a depression.
    Due to the mad amount of maniac, he was expecting a hard fall, but I think his deep love of "family" kept him from sinking into the depths of depression. I've never seen him fall that far.

    He's mopey.
    He's withdrawn.
    He's sad and he's obviously needing cuddle-hugs, but he's never up for self-harm. Never. I've never seen him worse than just being, exceptionally down.

   Deep in his depression, he was talking to me as I folded laundry. His youngest baby warmly nestled on his shoulder.
    "I really don't have a reason to be sad." He ranted at himself. "You guys are wonderful."

    As he continued to sadly gush about his adorable pile of daughters, and me, and our relationship, I couldn't help but fill to the brim with loving pride.
    Even though we are currently very poor, every day is a magical blessing with him, with his kiddos, in this life of mine.

    As I sit here at 4 am because my little girl woke herself up with bad dreams in the night I blink my sleepy eyes, I'm hurting from sleeping all funny on my neck because I had a baby on my chest who needed the cuddles. Despite all this, I can't help but just feel so lucky and grateful to be living my own life.

    My beloved bipolar husband and I both had pretty rough childhoods. Both of us had sleepless nights, danger and judgement. Childhood was hard and unpleasant. Every year of it, but living through each year of degradation and misunderstanding and betrayal is worth every year of pure, delicious, unaltered joy I feel every day now.
    My beloved bipolar's laugh is a rare thing, but whenever I hear it, the rest of my day is wonderful. I physically cannot get upset after he's laughed. It's an amazing magic skill of his.
    Making my little girls smile is also so amazing.
    The waves of warm accomplishment I feel, knowing that I'm making their little lives as good as I can, is possibly the most rewarding feeling I've ever had.

    Some people resent their kids, their spouses or their lives. Find a new situation, because somewhere, this waits for you.
    Somewhere there is a perfect life for you, with perfect people. You have to find them, and after you do, you have to appreciate the good.
   There will be sacrifice, but if you've found your perfect place, the good will be so overwhelming, the sacrifices pale in comparison.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016


    As an Aspie, I have a really hard time with people. I take everything personally and often I literally cannot speak. The speaking part of my brain will shut off and, unless I've thought about responses, I will stumble to find words like a pre-teen confronted by their crush.

    In two months, my husband will have been a stay-at-home-dad for two years now, so by now, he's very used to my factual, Aspie way of talking.
    It's so awesome to have someone understand how Aspie's works. Someone who knows I don't understand small talk. Someone who won't ask for my opinion, unless they are prepared for my honest answer. He likes talking to me. This is good, because we're married. This is also bad because, for the past two years, I'm the adult he's talked the most to, and now that he's attempting to reassimilate into the adult, human world, he has no patience for small talk. He can't stand when people ask him for his opinion when really they want reassurance, and he can't stand the dishonesty of others.

    Mild dishonesty seems to be a staple of other's conversations.
    People tend to quote things they've seen like facts that they haven't fact checked and that bothers both my beloved bipolar husband and me. I do fact check, so if I bring up the facts, those people shy away.
    I really don't know why they say those things. They usually don't want to debate. The "facts" they present are often unrelated to the rest of the conversation, so it's not to extrapolate on the conversation, and lastly, they are often wrong, so I cannot believe that they use them to feel smart.
    I suspect feeling smart is pro'ly closest to their goals, but it's so wrong!

    Anyway, my beloved bipolar husband went off to play with other adults and came back a bit crestfallen.
    He went with his best friend, who is also quite Aspie, and while there, he found himself stuck in uncomfortable small talk. Even though there were others there that he knew, he found another Aspie and spent the night around the Aspies there.

    Now, he mentioned he wants a job so he can, you know, stop being so lonely, but if he's not comfortable talking to non-Aspies, making connections will be pretty hard.

    In my super social job, I see one Aspie adult to about every ten non-Aspies.
    The new friend forecast is spotty.

    I almost feel like I broke his ability to have "normal people conversations." :/

Tuesday, October 4, 2016


    So, there was a post on my beloved bipolar husband's facebook that really, really bothered him.

    It bothered him before we went to bed, and it followed him all the way into today. Even now he's not quite recovered.
    He felt wronged by the fact that not many people sympathize with those with Aspergers or Autism. Those like me and his stepdaughter.

    Usually, when he responds to things that he disagrees with, he looks up the facts and presents a very professional, well thought out college-style lecture, but this time . . .
                                                                                                              this time his responses were thick with anger and steeped with loving protectiveness. It was breathtaking. Each sentence was heavy, and each one oozed with passion.
     It was so emotional that I, as an Aspie, had a hard time proof-reading it for him.

    I don't know if you've ever had the opportunity where your mate steps up like that for you or yours, but it's an amazing feeling.

    As an Aspie, that absolute human-ness is very hard for me to achieve, and while it's devastating to me to see so many people intolerant and ignorant of what bipolar is, I don't think I could ever express my feelings so organically.

    I hope that the consistency with which I'm blogging feels similar because this is my way of letting the world know how absolutely beautiful and wonderful bipolars can be.

    Mine's pretty great.

Monday, October 3, 2016

I really didn't realize

    My beloved bipolar husband was doing some video hypnosis courses that we have, which is fine. He decided to watch one, one-hour video a day. That was also a pretty normal-person thing to do. A nice goal. Then he decided he was simultaneously going to do some charisma courses and I got worried he was on the edge of a mania.

    I gently mentioned that he should slow down and that I could see the beginning of a mania emerging, and it seemed like things slowed down.
    However, he told me yesterday that he's in a depression.

    Looking back, I can it now. I can see exactly when it switched, but at the time, I didn't realize at all! I feel so bad!


    He was so excited because one of our very favorite hypnotists was web-hosting a seminar where he was planning on having a Q&A at the end!
    This was possibly going to be the first time we'd be able to actually interact with him and we were both SO EXCITED!
    With a nudge, this man could be someone who's known for a very long time in history as someone who made great advancements in hypnosis. He is one of my personal idols.

    His material isn't cheap, but it's often worth its price. Every time we hear about a new product we think about how we could budget to make it fit, and every time we hear about an event he's holding, my beloved bipolar and I are never able to save the funds in time, so we mark the day with moments of silence and significant, sad glances at each other.
    Someday," we keep thinking, "Someday we'll have used the knowledge we've grown from his stuff to build up a business and then, then we'll have enough money to go see him in person. Then, we'll be able to talk to him."

    I figured no one interested in his Q&A would have sticker shock if they'd looked at, and enjoyed any of his products, so when his pitch took FOUR HOURS, I was absolutely shocked.

    That day, my beloved bipolar went from manically excited to depressed within those four hours.

   The drain is obvious now. His energy faded from the kind that a kid has after you hand the cashier the money, in those seconds when they hand them the candy back, to that of a jilted, sad hermit, living on the fringe of society because he feels unloved and shunned.
    He instantly dropped all of his hypnosis videos, the charisma lessons and the desire to talk to his friends.

    And, he's been playing video games.

    I should have known. He always uses video games to recharge when he's depressed, or when he's had too much people.