Friday, October 7, 2016


    Well, my beloved bipolar told me yesterday he was in a depression.
    Due to the mad amount of maniac, he was expecting a hard fall, but I think his deep love of "family" kept him from sinking into the depths of depression. I've never seen him fall that far.

    He's mopey.
    He's withdrawn.
    He's sad and he's obviously needing cuddle-hugs, but he's never up for self-harm. Never. I've never seen him worse than just being, exceptionally down.

   Deep in his depression, he was talking to me as I folded laundry. His youngest baby warmly nestled on his shoulder.
    "I really don't have a reason to be sad." He ranted at himself. "You guys are wonderful."

    As he continued to sadly gush about his adorable pile of daughters, and me, and our relationship, I couldn't help but fill to the brim with loving pride.
    Even though we are currently very poor, every day is a magical blessing with him, with his kiddos, in this life of mine.

    As I sit here at 4 am because my little girl woke herself up with bad dreams in the night I blink my sleepy eyes, I'm hurting from sleeping all funny on my neck because I had a baby on my chest who needed the cuddles. Despite all this, I can't help but just feel so lucky and grateful to be living my own life.

    My beloved bipolar husband and I both had pretty rough childhoods. Both of us had sleepless nights, danger and judgement. Childhood was hard and unpleasant. Every year of it, but living through each year of degradation and misunderstanding and betrayal is worth every year of pure, delicious, unaltered joy I feel every day now.
    My beloved bipolar's laugh is a rare thing, but whenever I hear it, the rest of my day is wonderful. I physically cannot get upset after he's laughed. It's an amazing magic skill of his.
    Making my little girls smile is also so amazing.
    The waves of warm accomplishment I feel, knowing that I'm making their little lives as good as I can, is possibly the most rewarding feeling I've ever had.

    Some people resent their kids, their spouses or their lives. Find a new situation, because somewhere, this waits for you.
    Somewhere there is a perfect life for you, with perfect people. You have to find them, and after you do, you have to appreciate the good.
   There will be sacrifice, but if you've found your perfect place, the good will be so overwhelming, the sacrifices pale in comparison.

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