I've always thought that my beloved bipolar husband was just incredibly accepting of the challenges I face everyday, all the time, but he said something the other day that makes me feel like, maybe he just really doesn't see it.
He often says I'm stressed too much, and I am. Sometimes he takes it personally and he shouldn't.
I can imagine how frustrating it must be to see someone you love so much never being quite as happy as you'd like your life with them to make them.
I do tend to always have something to complain about. Life isn't where I want it to be. I've failed at my life goals repeatedly for a few years in a row and as an Aspie, I have to say that it is just thoroughly devastating.
I've wanted to own my own house, on acreage, with chickens since I was 12. I'm almost 30 now and it breaks my heart when my girls can't play soccer in our yard because it's too small.
But really, the reason I'm so crabby is the over stimulation, ALL THE TIME. It's hard to handle the feeling of clothing.
As a kid did you ever get shoved in something that was just a little bit too tight? Not to the cutting off circulation point, just where the arm holes are uncomfortably snug and the bottom pulls up when you lift your arms and the part across the chest is a bit too tight?
I'm not a huge person. If I weren't an Aspie, I'd wear a medium, but since I am, I am only comfortable in XL or bigger. I like to swim in my clothes so they don't touch me much.
I don't "tune sounds out" like other people can. I'm so very, very jealous of that skill. I hear refrigerator, all the time. Occasionally it shuts off and then I hear the lack of something that should be there, which makes me uncomfortable because then I'm subconsciously thinking about what's broken, and my hair. I will admit, I don't feel every hair I have, but I feel a lot of them. I shave the back of my neck because those tiny hairs feel like a collection of needles, constantly point-in in my neck and any light touch swirls those points around in my flesh. Around my hairline, especially on my temples, those hairs aren't painful so much as invasive, almost like an itchy scab. I've shaved twice in my life. Ran around bald for as long as I could stand the backlash. As an "attractive" white girl, it's not socially acceptable to be bald on purpose, especially while wearing a 5XL coco puff t shirt.
Well it was my hair that tipped me off. He happens to like Power Hair! So I've been trying to master the Power Ponytail. It takes more hair product than I normally use, which is fine, however the smell of the gel I used gave me a headache to the nauseous point.
So I'm headed off to the shower to wash it out and he recommends using cocoa paste in stead. When I told him that the cocoa paste wouldn't make my head stop aching he was confused,
"But it smells like delicious chocolate," he retorted in confusion.
"Yes it does, and it would give me a headache," I stated, in the blunt factual way I state truths. I'm sure none of the emotions swirling around me showed, I'm sure I looked relatively "Poker faced" as my perceptions of his acceptance crumbled and curled around me like a choking mental smoke.
I no longer have any notion of what he knows about how I perceive things, but he's so supportive and sweet that it doesn't change anything other than my own mind.
Even if he doesn't know why I need to shower, he watches the kiddos and allows me time to decompress.
Even if he doesn't know why I sometimes can't bring myself out of my baggy clothes, he never complains about it. He still calls me sexy, even when I loaf around in jamie pants.
Even if he can't comprehend my situation, he's always there to support me and love me.
I hope everyone has someone in their lives who is as wonderful as my beloved bipolar is.
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